A Green Revolution (Fueled by Christian Morals and the Wachowski Bros.)

The following is a modest proposal for green energy.

In spite of my current religious beliefs of science and FNORD, I do come from a Catholic upbringing. I remember reading about the exploits of Jesus H. Christ as he used his magnificent God powers to make zombies and mass produce the ingredients for tuna fish sandwiches. I read them all in my Bible Picture Book, which had few words and just a lot of pictures of Jesus doing his thing. The thing is, Jesus always seemed to be all glowy. This was always very distracting to me when I was younger. Jesus and many of the saints always seemed to have a light bulb for a head. As a scientist I begin to wonder if they are sick or irradiated, maybe Jesus stumbled into one of the Roman Empire's notorious toxic waste dumps and there gained his super powers.

After discussing the phenomena with colleagues, we came to the conclusion that he was emitting pure, purity. Then I began to wonder if there was someway to harness pureness. Comparing the luminosity exuding from the head of Jesus Christ, it is approximately equivalent to the light output of a standard 100 watt light bulb. So if we had a spare Jesus kicking around, we could potentially draw 100 watts of power from pureness output. Unfortunately we don't have a spare Jesus, and I hear we still have a bit of a wait before he comes back to say howdy.

Sup guys?

So, where does one get purity in this impure age. All of us are plagued by sin thanks to modern society and the internet. There is only one true source of purity in this day and age, devoid of original and all them other sins. Recently baptized babies. Now considering they are not Jesus, we should probably expect about a half a Jesus worth of power output. There is also the problem that moments after baptism the baby is bound to offend the Lord by pooping in his pants or accidentally yelling a curse word they learned from their parents to the church.

Science has provided us with a solution to this inevitable purity reduction anomaly, hydrogen sulfide. Scientists have been working with hydrogen sulfide as a means of putting human beings into a metabolically inert state. This means that if we can develop a process of injecting the recently baptized young with hydrogen sulfide, we could have religiously fueled power output that will not diminish and will not require feeding. They will be trapped in a permanently pure state for as long as we need to hold them there. And since the babies won't need to breathe, we could have limitless power with a carbon footprint of zero.

Now unfortunately, here in the United States, we have a rather annoying sense of morality that could prevent this fantastic technology from taking off. But I think that there is one nation that could fulfill the dream of Pure Power Conversion Processes, China. With their major steps in population control and belief in the idea of the greater good overriding the rights and happiness of the individual, they are a remarkable candidate for this technology. Also they are the worlds second highest consumer of electricity, at 3,640,000,000 MW*h/yr.

So how to implement it. Well at half a Jesus worth of output, we'll need over 9000 recently baptized Megababies (1 Megababy = 1,000 babies) to produce the power needed to fuel China. So if China makes an exclusive deal with the Powerthirst Corporation, they only need about 22,500 Catholic couples to produce the necessary number of babies to be baptized and then plugged into the Glorious National Power Grid of the People. Once the other nations of the world begin to see the wonderful benefits of this system, many more will follow in Chinas footsteps.