All we got to do is hold on to JESUS

So I'm on lunch break, eating at my mom's office as there are a couple internets here. So I was wondering what I was going to do to kill an hour. I resorted to what any fine upstanding American would do, I'm gonna look up Facebook comments on CNN news stories and analyze them. Duh.

I chose an article from a couple days ago. It was another lame human interest story CNN posted on Facebook for reasons I barely understand. The title, "Cooking fries? Cleaning hospitals? Executives reflect on their first job". I read the article, best part is the story of the Walmart CEO, who's first job was unloading trucks for Walmart and crashed his Honda Civic into his bosses car on the first day of work. The article was alright, still don't know why it deserved breaking news status on Facebook, but I digress. Let's dive into the comments section!!!

Our first contestant is Nickolas, a 2009 graduate of Papillion-LaVista South High School. Nickolas writes, "no fucking way! i wonder if steve jobs had to suck off bill gates to get where he is?". Haha, nice try Nick, but the correct answer was Nolan Bushnell, he sucked off Nolan Bushnell.

You don't even know who I am, do you Nick?

Our next contestant is Nikki, a 1998 graduate of Licoln west high school, Nikki likes Mr. Scarface and loves to kick it with her husband and family (all caps). Nikki writes, "i am writing in concerns of the new crack cocaine law it should only apply for the young mens and womens,that's been locked up in federal prison fo r5years or better." Hate to break it to you Nikki, this article has nothing to do with crack cocaine, thanks for playing. 


Our next contestant is Mark, who is best known for actually knowing how to use Facebook privacy settings, though I was able to learn that he is in fact male. Mark writes, "Now all these jobs are TAKEN by fucking ILLEGALS...;] Now the "O"regime wants to fingerprint and register morgage brokers... NOT the fucking illegals...". Hard to tell what you said there Mark, but I take it you don't like immigrants. Your right, clearly illegal immigrants with no official status as a U.S. citizen are going to make it and become CEO. I mean, duh.

Next up is Michael Mwendwa Cartman who writes, "Good stuff there, i wanna invite y'all to Kenya and experience the diverse culture we have here. Animal and bird view, awesome climate and people. Hola". Not much to add there. Suddenly want to visit Kenya though. Hola.


Now we have Sam from Fresno, CA. He is a peace keeper whose current employer is God and his profile is of him drinking and playing guitar, so I will assume he is unemployed. Sam writes, "they can eat my dick..." Ooh, I think your boss would have something to say about that. Theoretically they could though, and you could charge. This is how economics works Sam and the profession of prostitution is one of the oldest in the world. Thanks for playing.

For our last contestant I used CTRL+F and the word ""Christ". I found Joel who claims to teach college in Lagos, Nigeria and enjoys Lil Wayne and the Oprah Winfrey Show. He had three comments.

I NO, RIGHT?!

This brings me to my final point. On these comment threads you have several types of people, spammers, all cappers, bible thumpers, grammar failures and just dumb people. So I decided to join the conversation as all of the above.

BY MY SHIT

hAV A NICE WEEKEND!1