Asian Night

Note: I just found this in my drafts and was quite dismayed to notice I never published it. Enjoy my several month old post!

For those of you who don't go to Alfred University, we have the great pride and privilege to have AVI Foodsystems, inc. cater our dining halls. Recently they've been undergoing their usual face lift procedure they attempt after every break to make us not hate them with every god damned fiber in our horribly malnourished bodies. They have taken the painstaking effort to raise the pans of food to a slight 20 degree angle, because everyone knows angled food is more appealing. Now they have a powerpoint presentation that greets our entrance to their illustrious dining halls. Though they're not dining halls anymore. They are now known as CULINARY CENTERS!

Pictured: Ade Culinary Center
Also Pictured: Used Hypodermic Needle

So for the past several weeks we have been bombarded by a world class advertising campaign to inform us that on the 22nd day of March in the year of our Lord Two Thousand and Eleven, the Powell Culinary Center would be playing host to, ASIAN NIGHT!!!!111 Not Chinese Night, or Japanese Night or Thai Night, motherfuckin' ASIAN NIGHT.

Pictured: Food from the continent of Asia.

I actually had the unique opportunity to sit in on the planning session for this. I am publishing the full transcript here so that one may fully appreciate the work done by our illustrious culinary center staff. Names have been changed to protect the identities of those depicted (also because I honestly don't know people)

MERYL: Oi, Vernita?! When it is this Asian night thingy happening.

NOREENE: I think its tonight.

MERYL: NO ONE ASKED YOU NOREENE!

VERNITA: I think it's tonight.

MERYL: Well cock biscuits. Round up everybody! We need to plan this thing and stat!

Noreene and Vernita gather the troops.

MERYL: Okay people, brain storm.
NOREENE: BRAINNNNNNNNNN STORMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
VERNITA: Just, just wow Noreene.
EMPLOYEE 1: We should definitely not make nearly enough food.
MERYL: Good point Drone, small portions are classy. 
EMPLOYEE 1: I was going to say because I don't want to cook but yeah, what you said.
NOREENE: I'M AT WORK!
VERNITA: Okay, next idea.
EMPLOYEE 2: We should up advertising Sushi, and stop serving it at 5.
EMPLOYEE 1: Doesn't this damn thing start at 5?
MERYL: Fucked if I know.
EMPLOYEE 2: This is the genius of my plan.

Pictured: Sushi selection.

EMPLOYEE 3: Are we going to serve any tasty beverages?
MERYL: Yes, in excessively small disposable cups.
VERNITA: The plates are also very small.
EMPLOYEE 4: Why is everything so small?
MERYL: It's Asian Night!
EMPLOYEE 4: I don't understand the correlation.

Pictured: Asian sized plates.

MERYL: Also in keeping with AVI Foodsystems contractual obligation to humiliate and oppress, all employees will wear stereotypical conical straw hats on your head while looking down at the ground in shame, hoping your hat will hide your now prideless eyes from your peers as they wander in search of food.
EMPLOYEES: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
NOREENE: !!!
VERNITA: Thank you Noreene for teaching me the sound of a series of exclamation points.
MERYL: And in keeping with our dedication to cruel and unusual punishment of the customer, border lining on a constitutional offense, we will start cleaning up all the food only half an hour into this event. We will actually pour perfectly good food into trash cans as people just begin to arrive and watch as we flush squiggly equals fourteen dollars of their own money into a trash can. It's not like we give them  the choice if they want to spend it.
EMPLOYEE 3: We could buy 3 fucking meals at the Chinese restaurant for one of these shitty meals.
EMPLOYEE 2: Or make 4-5 of our own with higher quality ingredients.
MERYL: Exactly, good to hear you've been reading the employee handbook.
EMPLOYEE 4: What if people don't like the fancy drinks we got them.
MERYL: Fuck 'em, that's what. If they so much as try to cross my Great Wall of Chairs to obtain any other beverages I will personally berate and insult them like the Mongols that they are. Everyone understand what you're doing?
NOREENE: Gonna derp this herp til there ain't no derp to be herped.
MERYL: Thats the spirit. When these kids walk out of this culinary center I want them to feel like this.
VERNITA: This?
MERYL: This.

In conclusion a mad lib: AVI can go (verb) themselves in the (noun) with an (adjective)(noun) on a (adjective)(noun) until they turn (color) and (verb)... refrigerator.