E3 2010: From The 2015 Perspective

To those of us select few who view this trade conference as the super bowl of the gaming realm, E3 2010 was a bit lackluster. There is this mistake we make as gamers, that watching this 20-30 hours worth of coverage is going to be entertaining for every second. Yet we watch it anyway to analyze and learn about the gaming industries future and eventually select winners based on our own subjective viewpoints (I don't care what you think, your emotions cloud your judgment).

Despite its lack of entertainment value or wow factors, I have to say that what I saw there was the future, you know, the one Marty McFly visited. The gaming industry was demoing the everyday stuff from 2015, as Doctor Emmett Brown and Marty McFly saw it.

E3 2013 has a lot to work towards.

For instance. Lets think to Marty's walk through downtown Hill Valley. After pulling his pockets inside out like all the cool kids, he saw a hologram of Jaws come out to bite him. Now there were no holograms at E3 this year, but there was one technological breakthrough, the 3DS.

And sharks apparently...

3D without glasses, that is the handheld device of the future. Knowing how technology advances, how long are we from large scale 3D that is glasses free? The technology Nintendo is bringing to the table is only the beginning of this 3D revolution, and Jaws is overdue for a remake.

Then Marty heads off to the Cafe 80's. There he plays a classic 80's video game because the kids can't figure out how to use it. This is because the idea of the controller, was foreign to them. Somewhere, Don Mattrick is grinning like the fucking tool that he is.

With Kinect, Microsoft's XBox 360 is going to take the console war to a new level. I don't care what your opinion on the matter is, I don't care that the opening line up is lame, that is a fact. When the average mom and dad sees that thing demoed on the Early Show, it is going to be the console in every families home before Harry Smith finishes dancing. It's lack of controller and voice control interface is going to be big.

So E3 2010, showing us how brilliant Robert Zimeckis really was.

Note: Just putting this out there, every celebrity in the Cafe 80's is dead now. Think about it.

Stereotypical Damn-I-Haven't-Been-On-Here-In-A-While-Post Post

Holy hell. It's been like two months. Since my last post we are all 51 days older and $210,656,539,955.25 deeper into debt.

Too bad, I was doing well, and to think at the time I wasn't even attempting to do well, just had a lot of material. Since then I had finals and then a job at Walmart. The job is good and pays well enough for my ends, but I have to say it is a creative black hole.

So is this me saying that I'll be posting more often again, no fucking idea. We'll just have to see. Probably will embarrassingly put up another post like this in a month.

I have been writing down a lot of youtube video ideas of late and I will post them on here if they happen.

Have an awesome summer everybody.

Gears of War 3

So today I was scrolling through the Google, and it revealed to me a pretty important piece of news if you follow the entertainment industry. It read, "Gears of War 3 trailer, release date announced on the Jimmy Fallon show". Now those of you who have known me for some time know how I must have reacted, with my extensive history with the Gears of War franchise and all. That reaction of course was, "Jimmy Fallon has his own show?!?!?"

Inconceivable!

This was very similar to my shock about three years ago when I found out Carson Daly had a late night show. I was surprised when I found out that he had not, in fact, been killed by the nineties.

Inconceivable!

I just don't understand why such a major video game announcement was made on the Jimmy Fallon Show. I mean the audience probably couldn't even hear the trailer over Jimmy Fallon giggling to himself. To think, Conan forced to wander into the realm of cable while Jimmy Fallon sits there laughing away at himself. The only word I can use to describe this travesty is,

Canadaland and the Kingdom of the Crystal Hockey Puck

"UUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuasdlkfjasdlfkjasdnkvbdfakfjsdlds..."

I'll be honest, I'm paraphrasing that last bit, but it was a lot unintelligible blather anyway. I ran as if a giant beast that could eat me and shit out a gold brick was chasing me. I ran that way because that was exactly what was happening. For something the size of the god damned pentagon, it was fast.

"Keel dee humon, ehhhhh."

Even the god damned Aurum Fecalis says eh. I hate this place so much. No amount of money was worth putting up with these pinkofrostbacks. I ran down the sewers, nearly slipping on the remains of some canucks poutine, I ran into that stinky cavernous horror hoping that the marines were at the other end with a black hawk. A black hawk with a towel and some soap, and perhaps a nuclear weapon to destroy this god forsaken excuse for a magical wonderland.

Well I didn't get that. Just as the Aurum Fecalis was about smelling distance away (and let me tell you, not a distance you want to be with in), Keanu Reeves came bursting around the corner dual wielding uzi's and let the Aurum Fecalis have a face full of lead.

"Woah, eh."

"What the flying fuck are you doing in a sewer and why are you dressed like Neo."

"Inaudible gibberish, eh."

Once again I paraphrased, but he has this amazing ability to make a whole sentence just sound like an extended woah. I stopped asking questions, an unspeakable move for a detective, but the use of logic was going to be useless here. I just nabbed an Uzi from the Woah-master and began to hunt for an exit. That didn't take long as soon the ceiling was lifted off of the place and several members of the Edmonton Oilers repelled in armed with sharpened hockey sticks. They grabbed Keanu and I and we were pulled to the surface. There we saw Tim Horton and a small contingent of Canucks waiting on the surface.

"Welcome back, eh?"

"I am not talking to you, this is all your fault you massive pile of douche. And how the hell did you lift the roof off down there?"

Timmy just pointed up. What I saw left my jaw a little slack.

"Since when did you enlist Paul motherfucking Bunyan?"

"Last week, eh."

"What are you guys doing?"

"We move on Quebec in the morning, eh. We're just waiting for our Navy to get here from Newfoundland and Prince Edward Island, eh."

"Navy? You mean a couple of fishing boats with a potato gun glued on."

"Do not insult hundreds of years of Canadian Naval Tradition, eh! There are aboot seven on there way, eh!"

"Okay, 20 canucks, Keanu Reeves, Paul Bunyan and 7 barely modified fishing boats versus the rest of Canada."

"We also have a couple hunded Moostauros, eh."

"A couple hundred whats?"

A stampede of moose joined the party, except they weren't any kind of moose. They had a lumberjack for a head, a lumberjack dual wielding axes. I was left speechless, they were just so awesome. All of their axes were covered in blood, lots of blood. Their manly beards in combination with their flannel shirts running into the body of a fucking moose made them look like unstoppable killing machines.

"Okay, that'll be handy."

Suddenly the camp was ambushed by fifty French Canadians. They sprang from the bushes with baguettes held as if they were foils. Some of them even had emptied bottles of wine that were broken to make a sharp pointy bit. A battle was about to break out, of epic proportions. I'm talking like Kingdom of Heaven proportions, like Lord of the Rings proportions, like Pirate of the Caribbean 3 proportions if both sides hadn't pussied out so two ships in a whirlpool could kind of fight. Like seriously, what the hell? That scene had potential! It would have...

Long story short, Uzi's are effective weapons, and so far everyone was all prepared for hand to hand shit. Like, one magazine and they were all pretty dead. Like pretty damned dead. Like, baguettes do not block bullets very good.

I just looked back at Timmy. Keanu was standing next to him, gun on the ground. He was going to try and do Kung fu to them!

"Seriously. You guys never thought to use a gun. It was really easy."

There was just silence. Finally Timmy simply just said, "Huh, eh."

A Green Revolution (Fueled by Christian Morals and the Wachowski Bros.)

The following is a modest proposal for green energy.

In spite of my current religious beliefs of science and FNORD, I do come from a Catholic upbringing. I remember reading about the exploits of Jesus H. Christ as he used his magnificent God powers to make zombies and mass produce the ingredients for tuna fish sandwiches. I read them all in my Bible Picture Book, which had few words and just a lot of pictures of Jesus doing his thing. The thing is, Jesus always seemed to be all glowy. This was always very distracting to me when I was younger. Jesus and many of the saints always seemed to have a light bulb for a head. As a scientist I begin to wonder if they are sick or irradiated, maybe Jesus stumbled into one of the Roman Empire's notorious toxic waste dumps and there gained his super powers.

After discussing the phenomena with colleagues, we came to the conclusion that he was emitting pure, purity. Then I began to wonder if there was someway to harness pureness. Comparing the luminosity exuding from the head of Jesus Christ, it is approximately equivalent to the light output of a standard 100 watt light bulb. So if we had a spare Jesus kicking around, we could potentially draw 100 watts of power from pureness output. Unfortunately we don't have a spare Jesus, and I hear we still have a bit of a wait before he comes back to say howdy.

Sup guys?

So, where does one get purity in this impure age. All of us are plagued by sin thanks to modern society and the internet. There is only one true source of purity in this day and age, devoid of original and all them other sins. Recently baptized babies. Now considering they are not Jesus, we should probably expect about a half a Jesus worth of power output. There is also the problem that moments after baptism the baby is bound to offend the Lord by pooping in his pants or accidentally yelling a curse word they learned from their parents to the church.

Science has provided us with a solution to this inevitable purity reduction anomaly, hydrogen sulfide. Scientists have been working with hydrogen sulfide as a means of putting human beings into a metabolically inert state. This means that if we can develop a process of injecting the recently baptized young with hydrogen sulfide, we could have religiously fueled power output that will not diminish and will not require feeding. They will be trapped in a permanently pure state for as long as we need to hold them there. And since the babies won't need to breathe, we could have limitless power with a carbon footprint of zero.

Now unfortunately, here in the United States, we have a rather annoying sense of morality that could prevent this fantastic technology from taking off. But I think that there is one nation that could fulfill the dream of Pure Power Conversion Processes, China. With their major steps in population control and belief in the idea of the greater good overriding the rights and happiness of the individual, they are a remarkable candidate for this technology. Also they are the worlds second highest consumer of electricity, at 3,640,000,000 MW*h/yr.

So how to implement it. Well at half a Jesus worth of output, we'll need over 9000 recently baptized Megababies (1 Megababy = 1,000 babies) to produce the power needed to fuel China. So if China makes an exclusive deal with the Powerthirst Corporation, they only need about 22,500 Catholic couples to produce the necessary number of babies to be baptized and then plugged into the Glorious National Power Grid of the People. Once the other nations of the world begin to see the wonderful benefits of this system, many more will follow in Chinas footsteps.

A Loss of Essence

Last November I posted about the 2010 ballot situation. There were a lot of very scary measures in circulation and I am glad to say the worst of them didn't seem to get the signatures. Just in case you forgot though,

Michael S.Heath

70 Sewall Street

Augusta, ME 04330

(H) (207) 445-4929 (W) 622-7634

That is the address of Hitler. My Discordian fellows know what to do.

So, what's left of that mess? The two measures currently in circulation involve fluoridation of water and a casinos in Oxford county. I find the fluoridation of water measure very funny thanks to Dr. Strangelove. I decided to send a letter of approval to Jacqueline.

For Glorious Man Night

As many of you know, I am a huge proponent of nights of manly excess. During my tenure at the Maine School of Sleep-deprivation and Malnutrition, I ran a series of Man Nights, where manly men engaged in gross displays of carnivorous feasting whilst watching films of a generally explosive and plotless nature. Knowing this I was very interested when Mr. Victor Tardiff introduced me to The Expendables.

I was reminded of this movie again today when Hijinks Ensue covered it. It's true, the movie has a fuck load of actors. Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Steve Austin, Terry Crews, Bruce Willis and Mickey Rourke. Arnold Schwartzenager is in it, in spite his gubernatorialness. Brittany Murphy is supposedly in it even though shes been dead for like a fucking year. I am sad Segull and Van Damme turned it down. The idea of one big grandiose tribute to all that is manly and bad ass would be beautiful. At this point I'm waiting for them to announce that Bruce Lee and John Wayne are going to be digitally rendered into the cast and that Chuck Norris is going to fight Mr. T, I mean it's getting close to that in the ridiculously over the top nature of this casting roster.

With this and the A-Team movie (seriously, fucking tank-parachute), this is going to be a good summer for men.

Canadaland Revolutions

If your just catching up, this is part 3. Part one is here.

I want to start writing this part of my tale by saying this. I really, really, really hate communists. I am so glad I got that off my chest.

"Timmy."

"Yes, Mr. McClane, eh?"

"I quit."

I started walking away from the waffle stick town. I'm a private detective, I get hired to find a missing cat or look into adulterous couples or be a comic relief for Mel Gibson. That is the job of the private detective. Nowhere does it say that I have to fight my way through the French-communist wasteland of Quebec to fight William Shatner. Although I'm almost certain I could kick his ass I needed to get back a place where everybody hates your guts and where everyone has grown plenty of a gut to hate. The good ol' U S of A.

"We have an agreement, eh. You find my kingdom, I give you one hundred thousand American dollars, eh?"

"How many times do I have to tell you, you frenchfuck. I do not take monopoly money. Besides, the moneys been circulating in Canada. It was probably used in your socialist plots! Like water fluoridation or socialized medicine. I don't want your dirty pinko-mon..."

At that point I tripped on one of the many syrup puddles and fell down a hill. At the bottom my arm hit a maple tree and I heard a loud snap. Now seeing as the tree wasn't falling over and didn't seem to be screaming in agony, unlike myself, I came to the conclusion the snapping sound had come from me.

Instantly, and I mean instantly, like Δt = 0 seconds instantly. Like the amount of time Stephen Hawking has spent as a mountaineering tour guide. I'm talking about the amount of time it takes for a photon to stay in the same fucking spot. Zero seconds after my injury a helicopter was in the sky. I knew what it was, I had learned the smell it emits long ago. It was the smell of dirty communist doctors, flying their helicopter fueled by sunshine and farts, lightly diluted with ethanol and twigs.

"No you bastards! I am a god damned patriot and I will suffer due to my lack of insurance! I will not ride with you! I will go home and wrap this up with duct tape as Uncle Sam and Jesus intended it when they wrote the Bill of Rights!"

"You just relax, eh."

I don't really know what happened next. These commie hosers drugged me up and loaded me into their pinkocopter and flew me straight to the nearest St. Comrades Glorious Health Center of the People. It flew me right into the waiting room where I spent the next 3 agonizing days reading the same copy of Highlights magazine. Then I was moved to triage where I was injected, inspected, detected, infected and neglected by an android nurse hooked to the complicated matrix of information at the Canadian Department of Life and Communist Affairs. Then, using money from who knows where, they patched me up, drugged me up and put a cast on made of recycled fabric. They even printed a joke on it,

Q: How do you stop bacon from curling in the frying pan?

A: Take away their brooms!

I didn't get it. Do these people use brooms to fry bacon? I didn't have long to ponder it though as my frostback doctor came in.

"It seems you had a bit of a spill there, eh?"

"Why the fuck would you use a broom to fry bacon?"

"Eh?"

"And for that matter, how are wafflesticks considered decent lumber? While we're asking questions, who the hell is the payer in a single payer system?"

The doctor suddenly lost the perpetually friendly complexion that plagued everyone in this winter horrorland. "That is a question best left alone, eh?"

"No. I'm on to something, I'm a detective, I see when there is something you don't want me to know. Who pays for this?"

"You ask too many questions, eh." He reached for a large lever and pulled it. My bed fell into the abyss. And by the abyss, I mean the sewage system. I floated down this horrible river of unmentionables on my bedyacht until I reached a coliseum sized room. There I saw it. A man stood on a pulpit and yelled.

"THERE STANDS A CHALLENGER TO THE AURUM FECALIS, EH!"

I got off my bedyacht and stood before the beast. I was given a hockey stick to defend myself. Of course, it all makes sense now. The only way this single payer system could work. They've got a god damn 200 ton troll that eats refuse and shits gold!

It just sat there on top of a pile of gold the size of the god damned Pyramids of god damned Giza. Then it roared at me and began to charge. It was then, that I bravely ran away.

"FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU...."

TO BE CONTINUED