Signing Out (URL Move)

Hey guys. I'm moving from this here blogger site to a fancy pantsy tumbleblag. I just kind of wanted a change of pace and also didn't want to feel bad when I just want to post a single gif. I hear they're cool with that over there. Also I figure a new site will demand content like the state of Hawaii demands a constant and unfettered supply of fresh SPAM.

So yeah.

Check it out here: http://livelongkickass.tumblr.com/

Productive Procrastination

I feel an incessant need to post right now and I know for a fact it if because of the sheer magnitude of shit that needs doing. If I didn't have all this shit to do and all the time in the world I would not feel so damn compelled to instead waste time by writing about spilling coffee. I suddenly want to blog about that AP tweet, about private space, about murdering Elliot, about Doritos Locos Tacos and other things and it is all because I have tests to study for and homework that needs to be completed.

So I tell myself I'll just write more when this is all done. But with age comes wisdom and in my case I begin to understand myself. I can write down exactly what I'm going to do. The second this work is done and there is nothing to procrastinate on all of this motivation will dry up and I will sit on a couch and watch a Storage Wars marathon for so long that I actually notice the moment when it repeats. That's when I change the channel to the Duck Dynasty marathon.

 

 

 

 

Oh Willie, you work so hard, but Si so silly.

 

 

Hence without something more important to do, this all falls apart. That is why this summer I am announcing that I am writing a book, chronicling the history of United States National Debt using astrophysical concepts to help the reader understand the scale of the quantities in discussion. The book will compare historical eras of heavy debt to the most recent debt explosion and analyze similarities and differences between now and then. It will then include in depth physical calculations of the debts size and pennies and the destructive force such an object would have if it fell on Earth from space. It would look at the gravitational potential of the debt and see how much it would affect the tides were it it orbit. I will research and write this whole work before September ends.

There we go, that should keep the ol' inspiration in check.

In Depth Analysis of a Very Minor Event From About Ten Minutes Ago

I am currently up to my neck in shit to do. By tomorrow I must complete five homework assignments, study two tests and finish my final thesis. I have not made much progress so I am currently locked in the Observatory trying to do as much as humanly possible. The lack of human interaction is supposed to help, not quite sure if it is or not. As a result of all this I grow weary and require caffeine to keep this ship afloat. Thus I brought up a can of Cafe Bustelo and have been cranking out coffee faster than the work is actually getting done. A few moments ago I poured myself a steaming hot 24 ounce cup of black magic. It was incredibly hot so I decided to blow on it to reduce the temperature to human consumption levels.

Then I sneezed.

Immediate reaction: my eyes burn.

Secondary reaction: my shirt is wet.

Tertiary reaction: everything burns.

I jumped out of my chair and let out a mildy unnecessary scream of agony. I began punching the air with one hand while trying to get steaming hot coffee out of my eyes with the other. My shirt is soaked and hot. My eye lids feel like they have first degree burns and my eyes are letting me know that they are not pleased with my actions. All of this lead to me falling over on the ground.

Pretty much all of that happened in about five seconds. I got up found some paper towels and began the long journey of reconstruction. Got the coffee off my face and cleaned off the laptop screen that was also soaked. I then moved the coffee mug a bit away and am occasionally giving it evil glares while I type like that is supposed to teach it not to get sneezed on.

Will attempt to drink some more momentarily, back to the Electromagnetism.

I'm Coming Back

This weekend, I have an awful lot of work to do. But I have like 4-5 blog post ideas. So this is me saying that I'm bringing this back, and updating it a bit. Probably going through and updating/culling old stuff and posting new stuff. Maybe move to a new URL, but I am coming back.

But first, Particle Physics. Those Pauli Matrices ain't gonna propagate themselves if you know what I'm saying.

I'll give you a moment to check Wikipedia. Go on now.

Back?

Yeah I don't really get it either.

I Am Posting This To Get a Keychain

nameplates

Digitus Medius aka Fuckius Youis

There are several people who make me viscerally angry, politicians, AVI Food Systems, Alfred Residence Life, the majority of people I've met named Manju. With any of these I am usually allowed to submit comments to them in writing and I've thought several times of writing whole essays and putting them in their comment boxes. Then I thought of a more direct way to convey my emotions. Simply send a letter of the format:

Dear Source Of My Anger,

[elaborate pencil drawing of a middle finger]

Signed,
Tyler

It's so simple, so direct, so perfect for the majority of the things that anger me. But I am no artist and this can't be any middle finger, oh no. This has to be a middle finger that means it. A middle finger with rage built into it's very skin cells. I can't just go up to a friend or a relative. This has to be the middle finger of man whose been through some shit. Not a young mans hand. A hairy, scarred hand, a middle finger that was broken and didn't quite heal properly, but still stands at attention with almost, but not quite perfect right angles where it matters. With knuckles that jut out like a mountain range. I'm talking like a 73-year-old-war-veteran-triple-divorcee-iron-worker-with-a-criminal-record middle finger that stands on high.

Now that we have that out of the way, a plan emerges.

Step 1
A national manhunt for a group of ten men who fit that exact profile to the letter.

Step 2
Battle to the death.

Step 3
Take the winner and do not treat his wounds. Immediately take him to an art institution and put him in an auditorium filled with one hundred pencil and paper wielding graduate art students.

Step 4
Insult the memory of his second wife, the only one he really loved.

Step 5
Middle finger at attention, let the artists art away.

Step 6
Kill the man to show the artists you mean business.

Step 7
Take the three people who drew the finest drawings and put them in three separate holding cells complete with pencil, paper, security camera and a large mound of C4. Tell them to draw it better or else.

Step 8
Take the drawings, detonate the C4. No fucking witnesses.

Step 9
If none of the drawings meet your requirements, back to Step 1.

So a few months and 13 dead men later, the drawing is ready. Make copies and distribute them to your enemies. It really is that easy!

Well I don't have the budget or the required balls to do all that so this will have to do for now:

Submitted for your approval, Mr. God Damned Rogers.

I may have gotten a little off track in my galactic cosmology class...

Hmm, too small, click here: http://imgur.com/KWiui

I would like to add that though this section got out of hand and I may have faded to the land of IMAGINATION for a good four to five minutes, the rest of my notes were splendiferously scientastic. This is not technologies fault, it would have taken longer in a notebook and I still would have done it. Probably with drawerings.

Intro to Derp Latin (DRP 101)

So you want eaksperp erpderp atinlerp? Well you have certainly come to the right aceplerp!

Derp Latin is a language game of alterations played in English. To form the Derp Latin form of an English word the first consonant (or consonant cluster) is moved to the end of the word and an erp is affixed (for example, derp yields erp-derp and computer yields omputer-cerp). The object is to conceal the meaning of the words from others not familiar with the rules. The reference to Latin is a deliberate misnomer, as it is simply a form of jargon, used only for its English connotations as a "strange and foreign-sounding language."

The usual rules for changing standard English into Derp Latin are as follows:

In words that begin with consonant sounds, the initial consonant or consonant cluster is moved to the end of the word, and "erp" is added, as in the following examples:

happy → appy-herp
question → estion-querp

In words that begin with vowel sounds or silent consonants, the syllable "derp" is simply added to the end of the word. In some variants, the syllable "erp" is added, without the "d" in front. Sometimes the vowel will be moved and followed by the syllable "herp."

another→ another-derp, another-erp, nother-aherp
about→ about-derp, about-erp, bout-aherp

In compound words or words with two distinct syllables, each component word or syllable is sometimes transcribed separately.

For example: birdhouse would be ird-berp-ouse-herp.

Transcription varies. A hyphen or apostrophe is sometimes used to facilitate translation back into English. Raysperp, for instance, is ambiguous, but ray-sperp means "spray" whereas rays-perp means "prays."

Did you know? 
Derp latin is used in the popular Disney movie "The Lion Derp". Zazu says to Simba "ixnerp on the upidsterp" and in response Banzai the Hyena says "Who you calling upidsterp?"

SOTU Live Blog

9:04 HILLDOG IN DA HOUSE

9:14 Joe Biden almost dies coughing.

9:25 Cantor looks like a very uncomfortable statue.

9:27 Obligatory American inspirational story person sitting by Michelle. Called it. Drink!

9:32 The SAT people are going to be calling their congressperson.

9:33 Hmm, looks like your plans to drop out of high school may not work.

9:35 Did he just put colleges and universities on notice? Stephen Colbert gonna sue somebody!

9:39 BP seems to be talking through Obamers mouth hole. DRILL BABY DRILL!

9:40 Barack Obama picks up the objectivist Exploit the Earth vote.

9:41 Mitch McConnell looks like a tortoise watching its eggs get smashed by a giant hentai dick monster: amusingly horrified.

9:42 Another typical american story. Drink!

9:43 WINDMILLS!!!!!!!!!!1111111

9:44 DoD buying green to power 250000 homes or half an aircraft carrier.

9:45 Not sure if it is just CNN but Obama was just shrouded in a divine light. The resurrection is nigh.

9:46 The National Adhesives Lobby would like to complain about Mr. Obamas opposition to the tape industry, in specific his unfounded bias against their red colored adhesive rolls.

9:48 Geithner has a look of profound internal contemplation. I think he just realized what his life has become. By next week he will retire, find his lifetime sweetheart and settle down in western Nebraska where he will take up a life of basketry.

9:50 First he opens more offshore drilling then he reminds us that BP dumped a fuckload out there. Well I guess it was good enough for him to swim in...

9:53 Turn the pageeeeya dunnnn dun duh duh deh de de

9:54 Boehner forgot his flag pin. Awkward.

9:59 Did I just hear a dog bark?

10:00 Barack just got booed for limiting insider trading in congress. Can't wait to see that representative defend that opinion tomorrow.

10:02 Our federal bureaucracy will be better, faster, stronger than before.

10:06 Speaks out about Syria.

10:07 YAY JEWS!

10:08 Nice CNN, zoom in to Liebermans forehead right when Obama mentions a tough stance on Iran. Waiting for him to walk up to the podium and declare the first GALACTIC EMPIRE.

10:15 The State of our Union has potential!

Signing out.

EDIT: Republican Response

10:31 Did he just say that 2012 could be our last year? Does he have information I do not?

10:33 "Steve Jobs, what an appropriate name"

10:34 We need a more affordable safety net. Ask any fire department in America, those things you should not buy cheap.

10:37 A niagara of debt. I don't even have to add stuff to this speech, its full of amusing language.

10:38 We might pick the wrong lightbulb! (Yes, yes you would)

Signing ou...

10:40 What is this shit?

10:41 Leather jacket woman at the national press club?

10:42 Tea baggers in snake skin jacket. Sign me up. This shit just got interesting.

10:42 THE CAIN TRAIN IS IN THE HOUSE!

10:46 Seems to wish we all lived in China. Why can't we have as many jobs as them? Sigh Herman....

10:49 Invents the word "citizenpeople".

10:52 Yeah Obama is really weak on defense.

10:53 Racial innuendos? I am confused.

10:54 Always so angry Herman. But I am too tired for revolution...

10:55 An army of Davids v. the government Goliath, I thought the republicans were against human cloning...

10:56 Question and answer session. Ooooooh.

10:58 Reporter forgets Paul and Santorum.

11:02 The tea party has officially had more time than the republican response. Do they also have more constituents?

11:03 Pro Colbert speech in progress.

11:06 Srsly, that ladies snake skin jacket screams laissez-faire.

SIGNING OUT (not like you'll get an occupy response amirite?)

It is not over yet

Turning once again, and this time more generally, to the question of censorship, I would observe that there has never been a period in all these long years of which we boast when an absolute guarantee against invasion, still less against serious raids, could have been given to our people. In the days of COICA, of which I was speaking just now, the same wind which would have carried its transports across the DNS might have driven away the blockading firewall. There was always the chance, and it is that chance which has excited and befooled the imaginations of many Senate committees. Many are the tales that are told. We are assured that novel methods will be adopted, and when we see the originality of malice, the ingenuity of aggression, which our enemy displays, we may certainly prepare ourselves for every kind of novel stratagem and every kind of brutal and treacherous manœuvre. I think that no idea is so outlandish that it should not be considered and viewed with a searching, but at the same time, I hope, with a steady eye. We must never forget the solid assurances of man power and those which belong to will power if it can be locally exercised.

I have, myself, full confidence that if all do their duty, if nothing is neglected, and if the best arrangements are made, as they are being made, we shall prove ourselves once more able to defend our digital home, to ride out the storm of war, and to outlive the menace of tyranny, if necessary for years, if necessary alone. At any rate, that is what we are going to try to do. That is the resolve of The Internets — every man and woman of them. That is the will of Reddit and the web. The EFF and the Wikipedia Foundation, linked together in their cause and in their need, will defend to the death their native soil, aiding each other like good comrades to the utmost of their strength.

Even though large tracts of the Internet and many old and famous Sites have fallen or may fall into the grip of the Government and all the odious apparatus of MPAA rule, we shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in Washington, we shall fight on the Reddits and Twitters, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength on the airwaves, we shall defend our right to speak, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the blogs, we shall fight on the landlines, we shall fight in the protests and in the streets, we shall fight in the petitions; we shall never surrender, and if, which I do not for a moment believe, this community or a large part of it were subjugated and censored, then our World beyond the web, informed and guarded by their conviction, would carry on the struggle, until, in good time, the new world wide web, with all its power and might, steps forth to the rescue and the liberation of the old.

Happy MLK Day

I'm currently at Powell Hall and they are celebrating this holiday by blasting MLK speeches over the radio system. Very appropriate. Of course I am here pooping. So basically MLK is yelling at me as I go number two. Not so appropriate. I'm just kind of sitting here agreeing and wondering why this bathroom isn't better sound proofed.

Happy Martin Luther King Day.

Cheers Champ

Liking Barack Obama is getting more difficult is getting more difficult every day. The constant bantering for materialism, pitching to investors and the insufferable quote of the day feature. Liking Barack Obama on Facebook is just getting more and more difficult.

When did you stop leading the free world and get so, needy?
And no I haven't started my poster yet.

Not to say I don't like him as the president, my Jeep bumper is currently adorned with the free bumper sticker he sent me. Liking him on Facebook is getting harder and harder because it is the same 4 posts everyday. First is his Quote of the Day, just some shit he said in a speech. This about the only thing he posts that I appreciate as it gives me a better understanding on his take on issues.

Then we start the campaigning.

The second type Barack Obama post is the number of donors post. Hey, we almost have a million donors, don't you want to be donor #1,000,000?! 

The third type is the one where he reaches out to voters by physically grabbing one off the street making them talk about how awesome Barack Obama really is.

Beautiful thing here is the only comment I didn't shop, Dick Cheney.

Finally, merchandising!!!!

At first it was the things you'd expect, t-shirts, women's shirts, mugs, messenger bags, you name it. The usual "I got a CafePress account, so lets run for president!" mentality that I know, love and roomed with at one point in time. Of course even from that experience, eventually the campaigns merch department starts filling those niche campaign items.

This image is not endorsed by Americans for TonTon SuperPAC

With Barack Obama, it started with the grill apron and then the Cats for Obama collar. Every day a new fascinating object. I almost unliked him on Facebook to reduce clutter until this morning. Then all my thoughts against materialism and advertising and money in politics faded. It all faded, every worry I had into oblivion as I gazed upon that glorious, nay, divine object with which my life will never be complete without. 

That is when I said it, out loud for the world to hear. I said, "I need that Joe Biden Can Holder."

Oh my.... It's just so (tears up)... beautiful. (full crying)(joy)

5 Stages of Grief: Local Bookstore Edition

My paperboy job has many ups and downs. The negatives are obviously the early hours and the subsequent antisocial sleep schedule. But the positives, well. Let's just look at my history, my personality. You take all the data points and plot them and any statistician will come to the same conclusion. Some day, I am going to have to build something big, something really big, for no good positive reason other than I find it amusing, and I'm going to have to build it out of a metric assload of Papier-mâché. When that day comes, and by his noodley appendage it will, I am going to need a lot of newspapers. Ladies and Gentlemen I am here to tell you that when that day comes, or more likely very late night. I. Am. Fucking. Ready.

Very seriously, my heroes.

Another positive that came with it recently, a bitter sweet positive point I might add, was that it allowed me to discover that my local used book store was closing this Saturday. I might not have even noticed had not my route made me drive past it. While I was in there I heard the phrase "it's a sign of the times" at least three or four times. This is sadly true as Borders is also now joining the now almost endless list of defunct book retailers, though Borders has a different problem. Having dealt with this particularly devastating kind of grief, I feel like I have enough data point to satisfy psychologists. So here is,

The Five Stage of Grief

(So your bookstore is closing)

Denial

Oh, its like every furniture store ever opened since the Big Bang, their just saying that. Their not really going out of business, just an excuse to throw a sale, broaden the customer base. Maybe they're just moving locations, yes! That's it. They're just moving. This building closes and another opens. Well maybe another bookstore will move in and take over, this is temporary. This is temporary. All will be well...

Anger

I shop here 3 times a month and this is how I'm repayed?!? Sure! So I don't buy anything and perhaps I'm just browsing before buying at a more reasonable price on Amazon. You know what? It's not my fault, it's society. Yeah! Most people in this country have no interest in books. If our culture encouraged it more. I didn't do this, FUCKING FOOTBALL PLAYERS DID THIS!

Bargaining

Look, I will go home right now and cancel my Amazon account. Oh for fucks sake, so Amazon makes it difficult as fuck to do that, not my fucking fault. 

Depression

Please... don't go. If this place goes I'll have no place to kill half an hour while I'm waiting for the pizza I ordered to cook. I'll have no where to browse before buying online. The first time I see a book will be after I bought. I just, please... I'll miss you...

Acceptance

Holy. Living. Fuck.

25 cents a book. All the books here are 25 cents. Every single book. All of them. I can buy them, for a god damned quarter. I've got quarters, my carpets in the car are made from quarters. I can buy books with them. Whole books. For 25 cents. Any book, any book they have. This is... It's just... This is,

THE GREATEST FUCKING DAY EVER!!!!!!!!!!11111111111

My Review of "The Rise of the Planet of the Apes"-related Dream I Had Last Night

So I had no plan to go view "The Rise of the Planet of the Apes" anytime soon, but apparently my brain had other ideas. It decided to make me watch it's own version of it based on the small amounts of information I've picked up from the very small number of television advertisements I've seen for this film. Since the movie-dream was so, we'll go with intriguing, I've decided to review my dream remix of "The Rise of the Planet of the Apes".

Amazingly, no Inception references. 

Note: From here on out, my brain will be referred to as The Director. 

So the film opened with Dr. James Franco demonstrating his new box of Alzheimer's fixing black lights. He had a monkey named George, a curious little fellow, open up his Pandora's Box shaped suspiciously like the IT Crowd "Internet". George was suddenly able to talk after being bathed in it's ultraviolet creaminess. The room applauded and the next scene opened with George helping Dr. James Franco make some improvements on the black light box of wonder. This of course was trickery as George made the box turn him into an asian human with a fashion aesthetic that screams, "I'm on my way to a rave, a monkey rave" with the only monkey bit left being the face. George then proceeded to kill Dr. James Franco using what looked like a neck bone snapping variant of the Vulcan Death Grip. I thought this was an interesting choice on the part of the director, as many of the previews I saw for this film indicated the James Franco would be the main character. It would appear that I had been deceived, but in a pleasant way, at that moment only ten minutes in I knew I could leave all my expectation at the dreamdoor.

The following scene just showed a nice downtown market in an nondescript US city. Suddenly raving neanderthal anime characters with sunglasses came down from above with jet packs and proceeded to one by one NeckSnapVulcanDeathGrip every person there to death. The interesting and almost confusing thing about this sequence was that no one in the crowd fought back. No police armed themselves and nobody fought against their own deaths. This apathy made the scene incredibly eerie and disturbing. It was as if all of humanity faced with extinction just accepted their fate. The director seemed to be using these BrightlyDressedNeanderthalSquareEnixNeckSnappingVulcanDeathGripMonkeysWithJetPacks as a metaphor for our own acceptance of the destruction we are bringing to our planet.

Then, once again, the film took a 360 degree turn from a serious and deep metaphorical analysis of human society and introduced our true main characters, Sheldon Cooper and Leonard Hofstadter. 

Wait the what the fuck a what a why a woahhhhhh...

Leonard spent the rest of the movie basically protecting Sheldon who personally accepted his ape overlords. Eventually they were killed like everyone else on Earth, apathetically accepting the SuperVulcanDeathGrip. To be honest I was expecting this part of the film to be much better than it was. Up until this point the film had been shocking and caught me off guard but by the end it was just a really bad Big Bang Theory season finale and as much as I love The Big Bang Theory, it's not really cinema quality stuff. Also I'm not sure how this prequel fits in with the overall Planet of the Apes canon as the apes apparently abandoned their rave based society. I guess it was just a phase, maybe a side effect of black light radiation. Overall not what I expected when I realized that this was how I was going to spend my entire night of REM sleep.

I give The Rise of the Planet of the Apes a 6 out of 10

Rays of Life

A common theme on this blog has gone back to Mr. Obama's call for the United States to out compete the world. We need to produce more, know more and innovate more than any country on Earth and that ladies and gentleman is a tall order/ambitious new years resolution.

Obama: This year I want to beat everyone at everything.
Santa: Ho ho ho, good luck with that.

Well we're halfway done the year and it seems that we're not doing to hot. Our main exports remain bullets and Justin Bieber concerts while congress is too busy trying to either assassinate the Tappet brothers or raise their taxes to come up with solutions.

Note: spell check is telling me that the correct way to spell Bieber is Lieberman
Notier Note: So Bieber is Canadian, we are more fucked than I thought.

Today I found out that we are failing, once again, to out innovate in yet another sector of the economy. As one would imagine it's the Europeans who are out-innovating us, they have their problems but bitches know how to innovate.

More specifically the economic powerhouse that is the Republic of Cyprus is totally whooping us. They are absolutely dominating this country in one of the most important sectors of the 21st century economy. I am of course talking about the very very crucial energy apparel market. Them crafty Cypricians or Cypricans or whatever the hells have finally cracked the secret to the Far Infrared Radiation, quoting from their website: "known to be the most healthy radiations". Their company FIRTEX produced clothing that reflects back this miracle radiation to energize you. For only 200 euros this miracle of modern science can have you doing spontaneous back flips and winning the X-Games. They claim you'll jump 10% higher and feel 10% more energetic and even reduces pain.

I recommend giving their site a look over, the science seems solid. I highly doubt they picked low-ball percentages which can be wholly explained by the placebo effect. That would just be stupid.

Asian Night

Note: I just found this in my drafts and was quite dismayed to notice I never published it. Enjoy my several month old post!

For those of you who don't go to Alfred University, we have the great pride and privilege to have AVI Foodsystems, inc. cater our dining halls. Recently they've been undergoing their usual face lift procedure they attempt after every break to make us not hate them with every god damned fiber in our horribly malnourished bodies. They have taken the painstaking effort to raise the pans of food to a slight 20 degree angle, because everyone knows angled food is more appealing. Now they have a powerpoint presentation that greets our entrance to their illustrious dining halls. Though they're not dining halls anymore. They are now known as CULINARY CENTERS!

Pictured: Ade Culinary Center
Also Pictured: Used Hypodermic Needle

So for the past several weeks we have been bombarded by a world class advertising campaign to inform us that on the 22nd day of March in the year of our Lord Two Thousand and Eleven, the Powell Culinary Center would be playing host to, ASIAN NIGHT!!!!111 Not Chinese Night, or Japanese Night or Thai Night, motherfuckin' ASIAN NIGHT.

Pictured: Food from the continent of Asia.

I actually had the unique opportunity to sit in on the planning session for this. I am publishing the full transcript here so that one may fully appreciate the work done by our illustrious culinary center staff. Names have been changed to protect the identities of those depicted (also because I honestly don't know people)

MERYL: Oi, Vernita?! When it is this Asian night thingy happening.

NOREENE: I think its tonight.

MERYL: NO ONE ASKED YOU NOREENE!

VERNITA: I think it's tonight.

MERYL: Well cock biscuits. Round up everybody! We need to plan this thing and stat!

Noreene and Vernita gather the troops.

MERYL: Okay people, brain storm.
NOREENE: BRAINNNNNNNNNN STORMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
VERNITA: Just, just wow Noreene.
EMPLOYEE 1: We should definitely not make nearly enough food.
MERYL: Good point Drone, small portions are classy. 
EMPLOYEE 1: I was going to say because I don't want to cook but yeah, what you said.
NOREENE: I'M AT WORK!
VERNITA: Okay, next idea.
EMPLOYEE 2: We should up advertising Sushi, and stop serving it at 5.
EMPLOYEE 1: Doesn't this damn thing start at 5?
MERYL: Fucked if I know.
EMPLOYEE 2: This is the genius of my plan.

Pictured: Sushi selection.

EMPLOYEE 3: Are we going to serve any tasty beverages?
MERYL: Yes, in excessively small disposable cups.
VERNITA: The plates are also very small.
EMPLOYEE 4: Why is everything so small?
MERYL: It's Asian Night!
EMPLOYEE 4: I don't understand the correlation.

Pictured: Asian sized plates.

MERYL: Also in keeping with AVI Foodsystems contractual obligation to humiliate and oppress, all employees will wear stereotypical conical straw hats on your head while looking down at the ground in shame, hoping your hat will hide your now prideless eyes from your peers as they wander in search of food.
EMPLOYEES: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
NOREENE: !!!
VERNITA: Thank you Noreene for teaching me the sound of a series of exclamation points.
MERYL: And in keeping with our dedication to cruel and unusual punishment of the customer, border lining on a constitutional offense, we will start cleaning up all the food only half an hour into this event. We will actually pour perfectly good food into trash cans as people just begin to arrive and watch as we flush squiggly equals fourteen dollars of their own money into a trash can. It's not like we give them  the choice if they want to spend it.
EMPLOYEE 3: We could buy 3 fucking meals at the Chinese restaurant for one of these shitty meals.
EMPLOYEE 2: Or make 4-5 of our own with higher quality ingredients.
MERYL: Exactly, good to hear you've been reading the employee handbook.
EMPLOYEE 4: What if people don't like the fancy drinks we got them.
MERYL: Fuck 'em, that's what. If they so much as try to cross my Great Wall of Chairs to obtain any other beverages I will personally berate and insult them like the Mongols that they are. Everyone understand what you're doing?
NOREENE: Gonna derp this herp til there ain't no derp to be herped.
MERYL: Thats the spirit. When these kids walk out of this culinary center I want them to feel like this.
VERNITA: This?
MERYL: This.

In conclusion a mad lib: AVI can go (verb) themselves in the (noun) with an (adjective)(noun) on a (adjective)(noun) until they turn (color) and (verb)... refrigerator.

Operation Early Bird: Analysis of the Phenomenon of Mornings

I have officially acquired a job as a local paper boy for the Bangor Daily News. This brings me up to two independent contractor positions this summer on top of the ChaCha Expeditor position I hold. There I have assisted over 500 customers, meaning I've made almost ten dollars! (WOWIE!!!!1) When I was informed that I got the position with the BDN, I was told to meet my new manager at around four o'clock in "the morning". This puzzled me at the time, I agreed to his terms not knowing their full meaning. After doing some research I learned of this "morning" he spoke of.

Morning, which comes from the Middle English word morwening, is an early predecessor of the time I know as noon, or wake-up time. I have dealt with it before, but had cast it aside as a hallucination induced by sleep deprivation. Some kind of nirvana filled with bright light, the smell of buttered toast and surprisingly energetic elderly people. I always assumed that this was the light at the end of the tunnel they tell you about in the movie-films. I always promptly went to sleep as to avoid a certain and most painful death. But further research indicates that this is a legitimate time of day and that it is when a large segment of the population wakes up. Wikipedia tells me that,

The ability of a person to wake up effectively in the morning may be influenced by a gene called "Period 3". This gene comes in two forms, a "short" and a "long" variant. It seems to affect the person's preference for mornings or evenings. People who carry the long variant were over-represented as morning people, while the ones carrying the short variant were evening preference people.


So it would appear that I got the short end of the Period 3 stick. Amazing how a single gene in the human genome has gone on to successfully segregate mankind into two different classes that live in separate universes with separate cultures that only interact around dinner time. Neither knowing of the worlds and cultures that exist in each others independent realms. Both holding discriminatory views of the other. How many of you long-genes have been made fun of for your early bed time? How many of my fellow short-genes, for your inability to wake up? The long-genes live in a world where McDonald's doesn't serve McGangbangs or fries, but these strange sandwiches covered in the fried chicken albumen and soaked in the condensed blood of maple trees. There is a strange film on the landscape known as dew. In their world the police are relatively friendly, the coffee is always warm and most businesses are actually open.

This is in sharp contrast to the world I know and was raised in. See my fellow short genes may find the previous paragraph an informative anthropological piece, now my long-gened friends should take a listen. The Mad Max like landscape that is known as the night or darktime is in every way the opposite to the world of the morwening. The ancient Saxons referred to this dark realm as the death mist. At this time the only people over 50 you see out are working at the only two open businesses, and they don't like you. At this time there are only two vehicles on the road, cops who hate the night shift and teenagers about to be pulled over by these cranky cops.

My long-gened readers may find the previous paragraph shocking and disturbing. I'm sure they are quite happy with the genes they have been given. But let it be known that your world disturbs me as much as mine does you. I will continue to be a resident of your realm, for as long as I am paid to, and not a minute longer. I am a foreigner in your lands and I know that, I promise you that I will not overstay my welcome.

Good night.

Yeah

It is my twenty first birthday. Yop... bradd done got me drunk. That is all. If you have a problem with this post refer to the mission statement. Yop...
Ps. I can blog on my phone now. This is going to end badly.
Pps. Gibberish now: jcujdokfjreioheujiojideodjnfhrujeiuyrdsdghhgdzgjkihfdfihfjhfgkhfzgjgddgjhgdfhkjgdfhkihfdfhkljgdgjkhgfhpoutedriutdsdgouretoiyrwqwetuyrewetuteweyrweyrasjgdsdkufdsdgkjgdsdhjhfzkjcxcjhvkjgdsdjzzkhxxkhvckbcxcbmmnvccvkjgfdgjkjhdzjhgfiuteaqetoitsriydsdoitautewrtewyeqwyeqwruteasfkifsasfkjghkkhgdgjkhxzcvxjgdzhczFddguuydasfkihfzljgzXhjhfsdgihfdfdkhffhd

Edit: So I'm not taking this down as it is a testament not only to our almost creepily connected world but to the powerful human drive to attention whore ones self in a public forum. 

A House Divided Cannot Stand

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am tired. I am tired of the bickering and god damn it I am tired of this division. I am tired of hearing of another happy home divided over this very polarizing issue. Having a friendly discussion over a cooler just to have it fall apart when you claim allegiance to one side or another. The competitive and belligerent nature of this debate is ripping our country apart.

Let me share a personal story. I was raised in a blue home. My father and my fathers father had chosen their allegiance a while back. As I got older and became ingratiated by the opinions of those around me I found myself being swayed by the opposition. Then while I was attending school away from home I converted. This was fine while in high school, except when I found myself at home where I found myself in an environment that had become bitterly divided. Then I went to college and found myself once again an outsider. I had to travel off campus to find people who saw the world as I did. From a blue home, then to a blue school it is amazing that I ever became the red blooded American I am today.

But today I decided enough was enough. Today, I took a stand against the bipartisanship that is wreaking havoc on our society. Today, I looked this conflict in it's eyes and saw it for the bitter childish argument that it was. Today I realized that only together can we move forward and divided we will inevitably fall. Today, ladies and gentlemen, I mixed Coca-Cola and Pepsi, and I liked it.

If Only Life Were So Symple

I would like to open by saying that I like Alfred University, the faculty, the staff, the students. I'm very happy here. The village of Alfred reminds me of the County, this small little enclave of academia in the middle of the woods makes me happy.

That being said, if I had a nickel for every night I was kept up thinking very seriously about walking down to Residence Life or Dining Services and taking a dump on their porch, I would be able to buy a yacht so big that there is a god damned yacht in the pool. A yacht so big that it's gravitational pull in conjunction with the water displaced actually fucks up the tides of whatever ocean it is in. A yacht so unimaginably massive that geographers have to sit down and have a serious god damned discussion about the definition of a continent. A yacht so monstrously big, your mom could actually ride on it. Then, with the spare nickels in my Piggy Bank Death Star, hire SpaceX to divert their engineering talent to firing that Yacht to Saturn. There it would remain in orbit for my three year "Yachtin' 'round Saturn Festive Celabratory Extravaganzery Party". Why? Why do I think so often about defecating on their porch? Because, Fuck Those Guys.

Seriously, they are like one Whore of Babylon
away from being smoted to all fuck.

Now I'm not writing about dining services in this post, because I enjoyed my tuna sandwich today at lunch and as of this moment I am still stacked to be on the 77 meal plan next year. They have been spared this day. No, for this week, as it was this time last year, I have been enslaved by Residence Life. What does that mean? They got me jacked into Symplicity. It's like being jacked into the Matrix, if the Matrix replaced the dehumanizing corporate structure that Neo finds himself in during the intro with a 234-tentacled Japanese rape monster.

Mr. Wizard, get me the hell out of here.

Last year, we got our group together of six people a few weeks in advance like the responsible god damned students that we are. We did everything the damned system told us to, exchanged pass codes, had a little room sign up party at our alloted time, had a previously researched room lined up. The day came, we entered in the system and it had the nerve to look us straight in the eye and tell us no. So we literally lived in the Residential Life office for a week, it took a whole god damned week to figure out why the system had a vendetta against us. Meanwhile all the good rooms were filling up. Finally we got our stuff in and let out a sigh of relief that lasted until the summer when we got our confirmation emails that informed us that the system had placed us all in the wrong room, with the wrong roommate in the wrong god damned building, just as it was designed to do. They finally got their shit together and put us all with our right roommates in the wrong room in the wrong building.

So you can imagine how excited I am to be entering this season once again. Once again I have gotten my room together well in advance and yesterday awaited my 7:30 slot, the best of our group.At two hours left I noticed something funny, my countdown clock said one day and an hour left until two hours from now. I pulled out the nearest speedometer and made sure my computer and I were going the same fucking velocity, well relativity could not account for this bullshit. So after panicking, we finally located the aptly named "fuck you guys" loophole in the Resonomicon (location un-fucking-known) and found out that it's not your groups best time, but the average of all your groups credits class standings best time. Did you hear that? It was the drip drop of my brain melting out my ears.

Then the room we picked in advance had filled out. No problem, there are two left, we'll pick one of those. We have four people and they are four person apartments, nothing can go wrong here, 4 = 4, that much I believe a computer can figure out. So we select to change the room that is now occupied. We want to switch from Thor Floor 3 to Thor Floor 1, Thor Floor 1 is empty, we switch to it, the computer informs us that we can't Thor Floor 3 is full. Well we want to go to Floor 1, you can't, Floor 3 is full. Finally that glitch faded when I deleted all knowledge of our previous selection. Then it informed us that our 4 roommates did not meet the occupancy requirements of our 4 person apartment.

Well we've played your game, so we can finally agree with the others now that you are the world's worst web interface. We weren't sure before. Symplicity? Don't you think you should suffer for the harm you've done to the human race? Don't you think the world's worst web interface ought to be punished for the most effective deforming of reality? Death to sYmplicitY!

Obscure Jude Law reference ftw.