The Death of the Ford Tortoise (May it rest in many pieces)

So I am currently at home to attend my aunts funeral and thought I'd give everyone an update on my super fantastic car (For those of you who didn't get to experience the wonder that was my car, you probably didn't catch the sarcasm). So I headed out after lunch on Monday for the 'bou in my 1994 Ford Topaz. As is usual with my car, it took over a minute to start, was loud as hell and had a decent amount of smoke coming out of the hood, which means it was working as usual. As is usual with my fantastic ride, the engine shut off at the first stop sign, a quick restart and I was off again. It was running pretty well for the piece o' crap on wheels that it is, until I got to the first hill. Once there, I found that my car wasn't able to go over 30 mph on an incline, a new and exciting flaw that left bystanders lol-ing and traffic crawling. Well after a grueling journey I eventually arrived at the Caribou Burger King. I waved to the inexplicable flock of seagulls in the parking lot as my loud loud car scared them all into early migration. When I stopped at the menu, my car shut off which was preferable so that the lady could actually hear the words coming out of my mouth. It was after I ordered my delicious and calorie-filled Triple Stacker meal that I noticed that a slightly larger amount of smoke then usual was coming out of the hood. The lady at the window up ahead noticed too and had an expression on her face that can only be described as a Kodak moment. I began the process of restarting my car, which decided to be particularly loud and broken and didn't restart for three minutes at which point it allowed me to travel five feet before immediately shutting off and making a very loud noise that can only mean that it was dying a very painful death. The car hadn't stopped, so I let my dead and dilapidated piece of crap coast right on by the window as I gave my friendliest wave/shrug I could manage to the lady holding a bag full of food out the window. I was able to roll right into a parking space with the help of a friendly pedestrian who gave me a quick push. I got out and waited in the drive thru line on foot. After receiving my delicious cholesterol filled meal, I set up a picnic on the hood of my car and called for a ride and a tow. If you have to break down, I do recommend Burger King. There's food, bathroom, free refills and even seagulls to keep you company. I sat on top of my smoking wreck of a car and waved at passing traffic for 10 minutes enjoying my meal and laughing at the ridiculousness of the situation. My mom was surprised to find me with a smile on my face, but I found the entire incident very amusing. We got a call from the garage later informing us that the car would be more expensive to fix than the car was actually worth, so it's probably going to get junked.

P.S. Could someone talk to Dougan. First year we asked if he could reenact the Brainiacs episode where they put thermite through a car and he said 'get me a car'. Could anyone ask him if that offer is still open? Heres the vid,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rdCsbZf1_Ng