Funnier if it wasn't true. Maine 2010

So 2009 has come and passed and now marriage is officially restricted to a man a woman and a bong. And although the results on number one were not what I wanted, in fact they down right infuriated me, I will move forward, hope for the future and be proud that we got as far as we did. The battle is lost yet the war rages on. Speaking of the war, next years ballot is truly hilarious. These aren't guaranteed to be on the ballot, but they are approved for circulation. If half of these make it we have one juicy election coming up.

An Act to Remove Protections Based on Sexual Orientation from the Maine Human Rights Act, Eliminate Funding of Civil Rights Teams in Public Schools, Prohibit Adoptions by Unmarried Couples, Add a Definition of Marriage, and Declare Civil Unions Unlawful

Michael S.Heath

70 Sewall Street

Augusta, ME 04330

(H) (207) 445-4929 (W) 622-7634

Did Hitler write this? Okay, so I am almost certain to write this type of legislation you would have to have killed either a kitten or a puppy or a baby at some point in your life. If this happens to pass next year I will shit a brick, literally. I'll eat one and push my body to the limit to excrete it.

That being said, I think we have a candidate for a flaming bag of poo on the door step, I have never met a more willing candidate.

Resolve Calling Upon the Congress and the President of the United States to Enact the United States National Health Insurance Act, H.R. 676

Jerry Call

137 Waterman Beach Road

South Thomaston, ME 04858

(H) (207) 596-7784

We could pass this every election and Washington wouldn't listen.

An Act to Regarding Possession and Cultivation of Marijuana For Medical Purposes

An Act to Repeal the Prohibition on Cannabis, Hemp and Marijuana

Donald Christen

65 Shusta Road

Madison, ME 04950

(H) (207) 696-8167 (W) (207) 696-4444

They are written by the same guy so I'll just do these in one go eh? I do on political grounds believe that the government has no right to tell me what goes into my body, kind of my own damned decision. That being said, not sure if I want Maine to stop being Lobster capital of the world and start being the Amsterdam of North America.

An Act to Prohibit Fluoride in Public Water Supplies

Jacqueline Sorenson

81 Falmouth Street

Westbrook, ME 04092

(H) (207) 854-2453

RIPPER

(through his cigar)

Mandrake.

MANDRAKE

Yes, Jack?

RIPPER

Have you ever seen a commie drink a glass of water?

MANDRAKE

Well, no I... I can't say I have, Jack.

RIPPER

Vodka. That's what they drink, isn't it? Never water?

MANDRAKE

Well I... I believe that's what they drink, Jack. Yes.

RIPPER

On no account will a commie ever drink water, and not without good reason.

MANDRAKE

Oh, ah, yes. I don't quite.. see what you're getting at, Jack.

RIPPER

Water. That's what I'm getting at. Water. Mandrake, water is the source of

all life. Seven tenths of this earth's surface is water. Why, you realize

that.. seventy percent of you is water.

MANDRAKE

Uhhh God...

RIPPER

And as human beings, you and I need fresh, pure water to replenish our

precious bodily fluids.

MANDRAKE

Yes. chuckles nervously

RIPPER

You beginning to understand?

MANDRAKE

Yes.

(chuckles - begins laughing/crying quietly)

RIPPER

Mandrake. Mandrake, have you never wondered why I drink only distilled

water, or rain water, and only pure grain alcohol?

MANDRAKE

Well it did occur to me, Jack, yes.

RIPPER

Have you ever heard of a thing called fluoridation? Fluoridation of water?

MANDRAKE

Ah, yes, I have heard of that, Jack. Yes.

RIPPER

Well do you now what it is?

MANDRAKE

No. No, I don't know what it is. No.

RIPPER

Do you realize that fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and

dangerous communist plot we have ever had to face?

MANDRAKE

(laughs)

Jack, don't you think we'd be better off in some other part of the room,

away from all this flying glass?

RIPPER

Ah, naah. We're ok here. Mandrake, do you realize that in addition to

fluoridated water, why, there are studies underway to fluoridate salt,

flour, fruit juices, soup, sugar, milk, ice cream? Ice cream, Mandrake.

Children's ice cream?

MANDRAKE

Good Lord.

RIPPER

You know when fluoridation first began?

MANDRAKE

No. No, I don't, Jack. No.

RIPPER

Nineteen hundred and forty six. Nineteen fortysix, Mandrake. How does that

coincide with your postwar commie conspiracy, huh? It's incredibly obvious,

isn't it? A foreign substance is introduced into our precious bodily

fluids without the knowledge of the individual, and certainly without any

choice. That's the way your hard core commie works.

MANDRAKE

Jack... Jack, listen, tell me, ah... when did you first become, well, develop

this theory.

RIPPER

Well, I ah, I I first became aware of it, Mandrake, during the physical act

of love.

RIPPER

Yes a profound sense of fatigue, a feeling of emptiness followed. Luckily I

was able to interpret these feelings correctly: loss of essence.

MANDRAKE

Yes...

RIPPER

I can assure you it has not recurred, Mandrake. Women... women sense my

power, and they seek the life essence. I do not avoid women, Mandrake, but

I do deny them my essence.

MANDRAKE

Heh heh... yes.

Another Fine Tale of Sir Lancelot du Lac

A Tale of Lancelot du Lac
By Tyler Beaulieu
Edited by Cheney Larock

And thus did Lancelot twice lay the fair queen, and she said that it 'twas good. Once again did
Lancelot hastily flee Camelot so that he may further quest the Isles of Briton. He went forth into the forests of Northumbria, where I am sure many dragons were slain and many damsels were rescued and many prisons were escaped. He did successfully quest throughout this wilderness for many a fortnight.

Then did Lancelot come upon the Dolorous Castle. Both Lancelot and the Dolorous Guard took a moment to exclaim “Oh, not again!”, before the fierce battle did ensue. And it was then that Lancelot did slay twenty-four knights. His shoulder was wounded, but he continued to wage war on these foes for reasons neither Lancelot nor the Dolorous Knights could truly understand. He headed towards the gate and commanded it be opened. He then realized that the porter had come out to try and stop the fierce battle and had been slain by the White Knight. Thus did Lancelot forever lock Dolorous Castle to outsiders. Lancelot was disappointed, and rode away grumbling about the terrible loot system on that map.

As he rode away, Lancelot did hear the sound of trees snapping in the distance. He looked into the cloudless sky, and there did he see naught but the legendary Dolorous Fucking Gundam. Lancelot then entered clan chat and tried to request help for fighting the fell beast. Unfortunately Sir Gawain was AFK, good King Arthur was busy questing in Scotland and Bedivere was tanking for Sir Percival. Lancelot came to the grave realization that he would be fighting this fucking gundam on his own.

Thus did Lancelot engage in combat with the Dolorous Fucking Gundam. Though he sustained a wound to his shoulder, he did not back down from this most awesome engagement. After many hours of battle, Lancelot did climb into a tree and bravely hid from the fucking gundam. He stayed there for a fortnight, but being a fucking gundam, and not knowing fear or impatience, it continued its search for our hero.

Then, on the fourteenth night of this most unlikely engagement, Sir Lancelot did see an opportunity and jumped from his tree and onto the shoulder of the Dolorous Fucking Gundam and immediately wounded it. He then ran down the arm of the fell beast, and although sustaining a shoulder wound again, continued to storm down the arm of this fucking gundam until he reached its wrist and slit it, causing the fucking energy sword to be dropped. The mighty knight then ran back up the arm and stabbed the fell beast in its weakest spot, its other shoulder.

And thus did Lancelot defeat the Dolorous Fucking Gundam, and there was much rejoicing. He then journeyed back to Camelot in spite of his wounded shoulder. Shortly after arriving, the Queen expressed extreme approval of his defeat of the Dolorous Fucking Gundam and thrice laid him that night. Lancelot wounded his shoulder in the process but proceeded to thoroughly bed the wife of his good friend.

THE END