Digitus Medius aka Fuckius Youis

There are several people who make me viscerally angry, politicians, AVI Food Systems, Alfred Residence Life, the majority of people I've met named Manju. With any of these I am usually allowed to submit comments to them in writing and I've thought several times of writing whole essays and putting them in their comment boxes. Then I thought of a more direct way to convey my emotions. Simply send a letter of the format:

Dear Source Of My Anger,

[elaborate pencil drawing of a middle finger]

Signed,
Tyler

It's so simple, so direct, so perfect for the majority of the things that anger me. But I am no artist and this can't be any middle finger, oh no. This has to be a middle finger that means it. A middle finger with rage built into it's very skin cells. I can't just go up to a friend or a relative. This has to be the middle finger of man whose been through some shit. Not a young mans hand. A hairy, scarred hand, a middle finger that was broken and didn't quite heal properly, but still stands at attention with almost, but not quite perfect right angles where it matters. With knuckles that jut out like a mountain range. I'm talking like a 73-year-old-war-veteran-triple-divorcee-iron-worker-with-a-criminal-record middle finger that stands on high.

Now that we have that out of the way, a plan emerges.

Step 1
A national manhunt for a group of ten men who fit that exact profile to the letter.

Step 2
Battle to the death.

Step 3
Take the winner and do not treat his wounds. Immediately take him to an art institution and put him in an auditorium filled with one hundred pencil and paper wielding graduate art students.

Step 4
Insult the memory of his second wife, the only one he really loved.

Step 5
Middle finger at attention, let the artists art away.

Step 6
Kill the man to show the artists you mean business.

Step 7
Take the three people who drew the finest drawings and put them in three separate holding cells complete with pencil, paper, security camera and a large mound of C4. Tell them to draw it better or else.

Step 8
Take the drawings, detonate the C4. No fucking witnesses.

Step 9
If none of the drawings meet your requirements, back to Step 1.

So a few months and 13 dead men later, the drawing is ready. Make copies and distribute them to your enemies. It really is that easy!

Well I don't have the budget or the required balls to do all that so this will have to do for now:

Submitted for your approval, Mr. God Damned Rogers.

I may have gotten a little off track in my galactic cosmology class...

Hmm, too small, click here: http://imgur.com/KWiui

I would like to add that though this section got out of hand and I may have faded to the land of IMAGINATION for a good four to five minutes, the rest of my notes were splendiferously scientastic. This is not technologies fault, it would have taken longer in a notebook and I still would have done it. Probably with drawerings.

Intro to Derp Latin (DRP 101)

So you want eaksperp erpderp atinlerp? Well you have certainly come to the right aceplerp!

Derp Latin is a language game of alterations played in English. To form the Derp Latin form of an English word the first consonant (or consonant cluster) is moved to the end of the word and an erp is affixed (for example, derp yields erp-derp and computer yields omputer-cerp). The object is to conceal the meaning of the words from others not familiar with the rules. The reference to Latin is a deliberate misnomer, as it is simply a form of jargon, used only for its English connotations as a "strange and foreign-sounding language."

The usual rules for changing standard English into Derp Latin are as follows:

In words that begin with consonant sounds, the initial consonant or consonant cluster is moved to the end of the word, and "erp" is added, as in the following examples:

happy → appy-herp
question → estion-querp

In words that begin with vowel sounds or silent consonants, the syllable "derp" is simply added to the end of the word. In some variants, the syllable "erp" is added, without the "d" in front. Sometimes the vowel will be moved and followed by the syllable "herp."

another→ another-derp, another-erp, nother-aherp
about→ about-derp, about-erp, bout-aherp

In compound words or words with two distinct syllables, each component word or syllable is sometimes transcribed separately.

For example: birdhouse would be ird-berp-ouse-herp.

Transcription varies. A hyphen or apostrophe is sometimes used to facilitate translation back into English. Raysperp, for instance, is ambiguous, but ray-sperp means "spray" whereas rays-perp means "prays."

Did you know? 
Derp latin is used in the popular Disney movie "The Lion Derp". Zazu says to Simba "ixnerp on the upidsterp" and in response Banzai the Hyena says "Who you calling upidsterp?"

SOTU Live Blog

9:04 HILLDOG IN DA HOUSE

9:14 Joe Biden almost dies coughing.

9:25 Cantor looks like a very uncomfortable statue.

9:27 Obligatory American inspirational story person sitting by Michelle. Called it. Drink!

9:32 The SAT people are going to be calling their congressperson.

9:33 Hmm, looks like your plans to drop out of high school may not work.

9:35 Did he just put colleges and universities on notice? Stephen Colbert gonna sue somebody!

9:39 BP seems to be talking through Obamers mouth hole. DRILL BABY DRILL!

9:40 Barack Obama picks up the objectivist Exploit the Earth vote.

9:41 Mitch McConnell looks like a tortoise watching its eggs get smashed by a giant hentai dick monster: amusingly horrified.

9:42 Another typical american story. Drink!

9:43 WINDMILLS!!!!!!!!!!1111111

9:44 DoD buying green to power 250000 homes or half an aircraft carrier.

9:45 Not sure if it is just CNN but Obama was just shrouded in a divine light. The resurrection is nigh.

9:46 The National Adhesives Lobby would like to complain about Mr. Obamas opposition to the tape industry, in specific his unfounded bias against their red colored adhesive rolls.

9:48 Geithner has a look of profound internal contemplation. I think he just realized what his life has become. By next week he will retire, find his lifetime sweetheart and settle down in western Nebraska where he will take up a life of basketry.

9:50 First he opens more offshore drilling then he reminds us that BP dumped a fuckload out there. Well I guess it was good enough for him to swim in...

9:53 Turn the pageeeeya dunnnn dun duh duh deh de de

9:54 Boehner forgot his flag pin. Awkward.

9:59 Did I just hear a dog bark?

10:00 Barack just got booed for limiting insider trading in congress. Can't wait to see that representative defend that opinion tomorrow.

10:02 Our federal bureaucracy will be better, faster, stronger than before.

10:06 Speaks out about Syria.

10:07 YAY JEWS!

10:08 Nice CNN, zoom in to Liebermans forehead right when Obama mentions a tough stance on Iran. Waiting for him to walk up to the podium and declare the first GALACTIC EMPIRE.

10:15 The State of our Union has potential!

Signing out.

EDIT: Republican Response

10:31 Did he just say that 2012 could be our last year? Does he have information I do not?

10:33 "Steve Jobs, what an appropriate name"

10:34 We need a more affordable safety net. Ask any fire department in America, those things you should not buy cheap.

10:37 A niagara of debt. I don't even have to add stuff to this speech, its full of amusing language.

10:38 We might pick the wrong lightbulb! (Yes, yes you would)

Signing ou...

10:40 What is this shit?

10:41 Leather jacket woman at the national press club?

10:42 Tea baggers in snake skin jacket. Sign me up. This shit just got interesting.

10:42 THE CAIN TRAIN IS IN THE HOUSE!

10:46 Seems to wish we all lived in China. Why can't we have as many jobs as them? Sigh Herman....

10:49 Invents the word "citizenpeople".

10:52 Yeah Obama is really weak on defense.

10:53 Racial innuendos? I am confused.

10:54 Always so angry Herman. But I am too tired for revolution...

10:55 An army of Davids v. the government Goliath, I thought the republicans were against human cloning...

10:56 Question and answer session. Ooooooh.

10:58 Reporter forgets Paul and Santorum.

11:02 The tea party has officially had more time than the republican response. Do they also have more constituents?

11:03 Pro Colbert speech in progress.

11:06 Srsly, that ladies snake skin jacket screams laissez-faire.

SIGNING OUT (not like you'll get an occupy response amirite?)

It is not over yet

Turning once again, and this time more generally, to the question of censorship, I would observe that there has never been a period in all these long years of which we boast when an absolute guarantee against invasion, still less against serious raids, could have been given to our people. In the days of COICA, of which I was speaking just now, the same wind which would have carried its transports across the DNS might have driven away the blockading firewall. There was always the chance, and it is that chance which has excited and befooled the imaginations of many Senate committees. Many are the tales that are told. We are assured that novel methods will be adopted, and when we see the originality of malice, the ingenuity of aggression, which our enemy displays, we may certainly prepare ourselves for every kind of novel stratagem and every kind of brutal and treacherous manœuvre. I think that no idea is so outlandish that it should not be considered and viewed with a searching, but at the same time, I hope, with a steady eye. We must never forget the solid assurances of man power and those which belong to will power if it can be locally exercised.

I have, myself, full confidence that if all do their duty, if nothing is neglected, and if the best arrangements are made, as they are being made, we shall prove ourselves once more able to defend our digital home, to ride out the storm of war, and to outlive the menace of tyranny, if necessary for years, if necessary alone. At any rate, that is what we are going to try to do. That is the resolve of The Internets — every man and woman of them. That is the will of Reddit and the web. The EFF and the Wikipedia Foundation, linked together in their cause and in their need, will defend to the death their native soil, aiding each other like good comrades to the utmost of their strength.

Even though large tracts of the Internet and many old and famous Sites have fallen or may fall into the grip of the Government and all the odious apparatus of MPAA rule, we shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in Washington, we shall fight on the Reddits and Twitters, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength on the airwaves, we shall defend our right to speak, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the blogs, we shall fight on the landlines, we shall fight in the protests and in the streets, we shall fight in the petitions; we shall never surrender, and if, which I do not for a moment believe, this community or a large part of it were subjugated and censored, then our World beyond the web, informed and guarded by their conviction, would carry on the struggle, until, in good time, the new world wide web, with all its power and might, steps forth to the rescue and the liberation of the old.

Happy MLK Day

I'm currently at Powell Hall and they are celebrating this holiday by blasting MLK speeches over the radio system. Very appropriate. Of course I am here pooping. So basically MLK is yelling at me as I go number two. Not so appropriate. I'm just kind of sitting here agreeing and wondering why this bathroom isn't better sound proofed.

Happy Martin Luther King Day.

Cheers Champ

Liking Barack Obama is getting more difficult is getting more difficult every day. The constant bantering for materialism, pitching to investors and the insufferable quote of the day feature. Liking Barack Obama on Facebook is just getting more and more difficult.

When did you stop leading the free world and get so, needy?
And no I haven't started my poster yet.

Not to say I don't like him as the president, my Jeep bumper is currently adorned with the free bumper sticker he sent me. Liking him on Facebook is getting harder and harder because it is the same 4 posts everyday. First is his Quote of the Day, just some shit he said in a speech. This about the only thing he posts that I appreciate as it gives me a better understanding on his take on issues.

Then we start the campaigning.

The second type Barack Obama post is the number of donors post. Hey, we almost have a million donors, don't you want to be donor #1,000,000?! 

The third type is the one where he reaches out to voters by physically grabbing one off the street making them talk about how awesome Barack Obama really is.

Beautiful thing here is the only comment I didn't shop, Dick Cheney.

Finally, merchandising!!!!

At first it was the things you'd expect, t-shirts, women's shirts, mugs, messenger bags, you name it. The usual "I got a CafePress account, so lets run for president!" mentality that I know, love and roomed with at one point in time. Of course even from that experience, eventually the campaigns merch department starts filling those niche campaign items.

This image is not endorsed by Americans for TonTon SuperPAC

With Barack Obama, it started with the grill apron and then the Cats for Obama collar. Every day a new fascinating object. I almost unliked him on Facebook to reduce clutter until this morning. Then all my thoughts against materialism and advertising and money in politics faded. It all faded, every worry I had into oblivion as I gazed upon that glorious, nay, divine object with which my life will never be complete without. 

That is when I said it, out loud for the world to hear. I said, "I need that Joe Biden Can Holder."

Oh my.... It's just so (tears up)... beautiful. (full crying)(joy)

5 Stages of Grief: Local Bookstore Edition

My paperboy job has many ups and downs. The negatives are obviously the early hours and the subsequent antisocial sleep schedule. But the positives, well. Let's just look at my history, my personality. You take all the data points and plot them and any statistician will come to the same conclusion. Some day, I am going to have to build something big, something really big, for no good positive reason other than I find it amusing, and I'm going to have to build it out of a metric assload of Papier-mâché. When that day comes, and by his noodley appendage it will, I am going to need a lot of newspapers. Ladies and Gentlemen I am here to tell you that when that day comes, or more likely very late night. I. Am. Fucking. Ready.

Very seriously, my heroes.

Another positive that came with it recently, a bitter sweet positive point I might add, was that it allowed me to discover that my local used book store was closing this Saturday. I might not have even noticed had not my route made me drive past it. While I was in there I heard the phrase "it's a sign of the times" at least three or four times. This is sadly true as Borders is also now joining the now almost endless list of defunct book retailers, though Borders has a different problem. Having dealt with this particularly devastating kind of grief, I feel like I have enough data point to satisfy psychologists. So here is,

The Five Stage of Grief

(So your bookstore is closing)

Denial

Oh, its like every furniture store ever opened since the Big Bang, their just saying that. Their not really going out of business, just an excuse to throw a sale, broaden the customer base. Maybe they're just moving locations, yes! That's it. They're just moving. This building closes and another opens. Well maybe another bookstore will move in and take over, this is temporary. This is temporary. All will be well...

Anger

I shop here 3 times a month and this is how I'm repayed?!? Sure! So I don't buy anything and perhaps I'm just browsing before buying at a more reasonable price on Amazon. You know what? It's not my fault, it's society. Yeah! Most people in this country have no interest in books. If our culture encouraged it more. I didn't do this, FUCKING FOOTBALL PLAYERS DID THIS!

Bargaining

Look, I will go home right now and cancel my Amazon account. Oh for fucks sake, so Amazon makes it difficult as fuck to do that, not my fucking fault. 

Depression

Please... don't go. If this place goes I'll have no place to kill half an hour while I'm waiting for the pizza I ordered to cook. I'll have no where to browse before buying online. The first time I see a book will be after I bought. I just, please... I'll miss you...

Acceptance

Holy. Living. Fuck.

25 cents a book. All the books here are 25 cents. Every single book. All of them. I can buy them, for a god damned quarter. I've got quarters, my carpets in the car are made from quarters. I can buy books with them. Whole books. For 25 cents. Any book, any book they have. This is... It's just... This is,

THE GREATEST FUCKING DAY EVER!!!!!!!!!!11111111111