Smile And Greet The Customer

Do you have a friend who does or has worked at Walmart? Were they trained for the register at any point? Was it a computer-based learning course? Please say the phrase that is the title of this post to them. Their instinctual response will probably be to scream and rip out your jugular because that phrase starts out the steps for EVERY SINGLE LESSON.

The cashier lessons haven't mattered much to me, as most days I man The Door. Yes the capitals are necessary, because I am actually capable of hearing them every time The Door is mentioned. See in Lawn and Garden you either work register or watering plants or zoning/stocking shelves or you work at The Door. Working at The Door means you stay at The Door, you never leave The Door for any reason, ANY REASON. You smile and greet the customer on the way in and check receipts on the way out. If you do any more than that so help you God there will be consequences. Occasionally an on-duty police officer even shows up to make sure that The Door is being manned all proper like.

I am good at my job. I am brilliant at standing around and doing nothing, not moving, and I am very prompt about taking and utilizing my fifteen minute breaks as well as my hour lunches. This apparently makes me an ideal employee. If there is anything they hate more than anything else it's overtime, and let me tell you, you will not catching me working more than I am asked to.

The most awkward part of my job is the stragglers, people who end up stuck at The Door with me, waiting for a  ride or chewing tobacco or something. The conversation is usually about the weather, perpetually about the weather actually. In fact it's so often about the weather that it's almost maddening. It feels like we still haven't evolved above pointing at the sky and discussing the obvious.

Oh not rain again...

Though sometimes they get stuck longer. Then they start discussing religion or politics, and I am supposed to be the positive feelings door greetery guy. I tend to just agree with what they're saying, even if I disagree, because I'm just there to make them feel good. If I argued with them they can report me, if I agree with them, they come back. The problem will only arise if they ever talk to each other.

Person: Are you a man of faith.
Me: I'm baptized Catholic.
Person: Faith is important, theres not enough in this world today.
Me: People are really falling away from religion.
Person: I know it. If it wasn't for religion I know I would have died of the stroke I had last year. I just know that God pulled me through.
Me: Faith is very important

Later that day...
Person: You know what the problem is with the world, religion.
Me: Tell me about it.
Person: People ignoring the objective information in front of them and embracing some deity, fighting in the name of some imaginary person.
Me: Too many wars are fought over religion.

I'm an atheist, though technically I didn't lie anywhere above. I know a lot of ill people who attribute faith to their healing, and killing in the name of religion does not sit well with me, but still. It gets worse.

Person: You've got all these people out there who are perfectly capable of working and choose not to.
Me: People don't know the meaning of an honest days work anymore.
Person: They're lazy, this whole generation is lazy. It's the drugs I tell you. They need to crack down harder on that.
Me: They are the bane of society.

Later that day...
Person: They need to legalize marijuana already.
Me: It's a war on the culture, not on the drug.
Person: Exactly, it makes no sense to spend all this money on a drug war when they could reap the benefits of taxation and regulation.
Me: Not to mention the boon to the snack food industry.

Then there is just the weird ones...

Person: I miss the twist tops.
Me: The twist tops?
Person: For beer, you have to use a bottle opener now.
Me: I see.
Person: I makes it harder to open when I'm driving.
Me: They might be on to something.
Person: And they don't fit in the cupholders right.
Me: Still think they're onto something.
Person: I can still get them off, but it's hard when driving.
Me: You really shouldn't be opening them when you're driving.
Person: What am I supposed to do, I don't got a passenger to open them.
Me: ...
Person: Got you there.

Later that day...
Person: You hear all these people saying they aren't capable of killing a person. Of course they're capable of it.
Me: It just depends on the moment I guess.
Person: Not even, I bet I could kill someone right now and sleep soundly tonight. As long as I can justify it to me, that is all that matters.
Me: ...
Person: I bet this automatic wood chopper could do some serious damage to someone.

I would like to note that these are real conversations with customers who've chosen to remain anonymous, paraphrased and shortened, but the content remains. Anyway, I plan to stay at The Door, you meet a lot of interesting people. Plus the weather has been nice lately, or so I'm told...