I'll be honest, I'm paraphrasing that last bit, but it was a lot unintelligible blather anyway. I ran as if a giant beast that could eat me and shit out a gold brick was chasing me. I ran that way because that was exactly what was happening. For something the size of the god damned pentagon, it was fast.
"Keel dee humon, ehhhhh."
Even the god damned Aurum Fecalis says eh. I hate this place so much. No amount of money was worth putting up with these pinkofrostbacks. I ran down the sewers, nearly slipping on the remains of some canucks poutine, I ran into that stinky cavernous horror hoping that the marines were at the other end with a black hawk. A black hawk with a towel and some soap, and perhaps a nuclear weapon to destroy this god forsaken excuse for a magical wonderland.
Well I didn't get that. Just as the Aurum Fecalis was about smelling distance away (and let me tell you, not a distance you want to be with in), Keanu Reeves came bursting around the corner dual wielding uzi's and let the Aurum Fecalis have a face full of lead.
"Woah, eh."
"What the flying fuck are you doing in a sewer and why are you dressed like Neo."
"Inaudible gibberish, eh."
Once again I paraphrased, but he has this amazing ability to make a whole sentence just sound like an extended woah. I stopped asking questions, an unspeakable move for a detective, but the use of logic was going to be useless here. I just nabbed an Uzi from the Woah-master and began to hunt for an exit. That didn't take long as soon the ceiling was lifted off of the place and several members of the Edmonton Oilers repelled in armed with sharpened hockey sticks. They grabbed Keanu and I and we were pulled to the surface. There we saw Tim Horton and a small contingent of Canucks waiting on the surface.
"Welcome back, eh?"
"I am not talking to you, this is all your fault you massive pile of douche. And how the hell did you lift the roof off down there?"
Timmy just pointed up. What I saw left my jaw a little slack.
"Since when did you enlist Paul motherfucking Bunyan?"
"Last week, eh."
"What are you guys doing?"
"We move on Quebec in the morning, eh. We're just waiting for our Navy to get here from Newfoundland and Prince Edward Island, eh."
"Navy? You mean a couple of fishing boats with a potato gun glued on."
"Do not insult hundreds of years of Canadian Naval Tradition, eh! There are aboot seven on there way, eh!"
"Okay, 20 canucks, Keanu Reeves, Paul Bunyan and 7 barely modified fishing boats versus the rest of Canada."
"We also have a couple hunded Moostauros, eh."
"A couple hundred whats?"
A stampede of moose joined the party, except they weren't any kind of moose. They had a lumberjack for a head, a lumberjack dual wielding axes. I was left speechless, they were just so awesome. All of their axes were covered in blood, lots of blood. Their manly beards in combination with their flannel shirts running into the body of a fucking moose made them look like unstoppable killing machines.
"Okay, that'll be handy."
Suddenly the camp was ambushed by fifty French Canadians. They sprang from the bushes with baguettes held as if they were foils. Some of them even had emptied bottles of wine that were broken to make a sharp pointy bit. A battle was about to break out, of epic proportions. I'm talking like Kingdom of Heaven proportions, like Lord of the Rings proportions, like Pirate of the Caribbean 3 proportions if both sides hadn't pussied out so two ships in a whirlpool could kind of fight. Like seriously, what the hell? That scene had potential! It would have...
Long story short, Uzi's are effective weapons, and so far everyone was all prepared for hand to hand shit. Like, one magazine and they were all pretty dead. Like pretty damned dead. Like, baguettes do not block bullets very good.
I just looked back at Timmy. Keanu was standing next to him, gun on the ground. He was going to try and do Kung fu to them!
"Seriously. You guys never thought to use a gun. It was really easy."
There was just silence. Finally Timmy simply just said, "Huh, eh."
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